Thursday, December 3, 2009

It's going to be really difficult for me to make friends here if I never post...

For starters, the transfer worked. I'm pregnant. Eek! Still doesn't seem real, and I'm still half-waiting for bad news. Praying for the best...

I went for my pregnancy test on Monday, and my beta hCG was 247. Wow! They were looking for a 50, so I feel like I got extra credit! My next test was on Wednesday, and I felt so much anxiety over it that it wasn't healthy. Seriously. I'm not quite sure what a panic attack feels like, but I might have been close.

Anyway, my report from the doctor was a good one. My number went from 247 on Monday to 651 yesterday. Praise the Lord! I was so relieved. I'm still anxious, but I have a better handle on it. For the time being, I'm pregnant. And that's all I've got. So I'm going to enjoy it to the best of my ability. I sure would love some more symptoms to hit soon. Being both sick and tired seem like great reassurances that things are happening--and I haven't really had either of those symptoms yet. I keep telling myself it's still SO early. I'm only 16 days past transfer, and in a regular person, pregnancy might not even be detected yet.

I did come up with a metaphor for myself. Did you ever see the movie "Cast Away?" There was a part in there after he came home where he was walking around his apartment looking at all of the comforts he didn't have on the island. At the end of that day, he crawls into bed, sits there for a second awkwardly, and then gets down on the floor to sleep. That's what I feel like. I've been sleeping on the floor for so long that I don't know how to sleep in a bed. I can't be comfortable in pregnancy. Only in infertility.

Last night, we had a support group meeting. One of my dearest friends in there is really having a hard time. I feel like I owe her an apology for being pregnant. Does that make sense? She and her husband just had their last FET cancelled because she wasn't suppressing on Lupron. She's struggling with that enough--then I had to go and get pregnant. It's devastating, I know. I've been on her side of the situation a hundred times. My heart breaks for her. And I feel guilty. But of course I wouldn't change our situation even if I could. I tried to explain those feelings to Josh last night, and he said "we have PAID our dues. Don't feel guilty. Be happy for us!" And I am. Truly.

It's just weird to be in my shoes. I have made it a point to surround myself with people who understand me. I have developed these close relationships with other Infertiles, and now I feel I've betrayed them. Or beyond that, I just feel like they're still the only people who understand me--but there's an instant chasm there. It's a different kind of isolation. Infertility can be so lonely. But I don't guess that pregnancy automatically changes that.

I still don't believe it's really going to happen. I'm not sure what it will take for it to sink in for me. More than just rising numbers, that's for sure! Maybe I'll feel a lot better after an ultrasound. But rising numbers is all I have for now, and I'll take every scrap of good news I can get. I think I'll cheer if I should happen to puke.

I must go. I do have a growling tummy. I'm trying to eat really well. I guess I should start reading up on the things baby/ies need. I haven't really done much research for this side of the fence.

Friday, November 13, 2009

The night before last, I couldn't sleep. I fell asleep at 9, woke up at 11, and played all night long. Watched some TV, surfed the net, made a sandwich at 2 a.m...

Last night, it caught up with me. I fell asleep just after 7, and this morning, I woke up at 6:30--only because my alarm told me to. I could still be sleeping. Yawn.

This kind of thing often happens to me before a big event. For about 2 weeks before I got married, I could only sleep a couple of hours a night. My mind never stopped working, and even when everything on my to-do list had been accomplished, my mind raced.

So, I'm 4 days out. In 96 hours exactly, I'll be in the doctor's office waiting for transfer. I'm such a mixed-up bag of emotions. Excited, scared, all of it. Now that things are moving forward, they are really moving forward. Every time we've moved down an avenue, it has been full of roadblocks. So of course, after 6 years of this, I'm expecting them! It's hard for me to believe that every time my nurse calls, she tells me my ultrasounds and estradiol levels are perfect. She tells me to proceed as directed. She tells me that things are right on schedule. I'm thankful, but I'm cautious. A lot can happen in 96 hours.

I start my progesterone shots tomorrow. I have to take them twice a day, which I think is my doctor's way of torturing me. Seriously, the last time I took them (it's been 2 whole years), it was just once a day, and I cried every.single.time. My poor husband--we both dread them. But it does mean that we're moving closer to our goal, and that's what I have to keep at the front of my mind.

Pray for our embabies. 8:45 (est) on Tuesday, they'll make their debut. They'll get their chance. I hope hope hope. For them. For me. For us.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

I'm completely incapable of managing this new blog. I visit other people's sites and can't leave comments. This site doesn't seem very user friendly. What's up with that? Or maybe I'm just retarted (it's possible).

I went for my suppression check this morning. My doctor said he thought everything looked like it was in order, but I had to wait for word from my nurse at the other clinic. I also got my blood drawn. As used to needles as I am, I still can't look when they do it. I get a lump in my stomach when I try--and I feel kind of woozy. Isn't that so silly? And by the way, you're supposed to be able to give yourself the lupron injections that I'm taking, and every night I still have my husband do it. Ha! Such a chicken. How do I expect to get through a pregnancy and labor? By the grace of God...

Anyway, my nurse did call. My estradiol level needed to be below 150, and it was 31. She actually used the word "perfect!" I couldn't believe something was actually going WELL. Yay! Even though it's taken ages to actually get to this point, it seems like things are falling into place really well. That encourages me about the final outcome. I'm so hopeful!

I start my Estrace (estrogen) on Halloween. Next step, here I come.

7 shots down. I can't belive time is marching forward so quickly. Transfer will be here before I know it. Wow!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Hello, Blogspot.

I'm a veteran blogger, but I've never had a blog on this site. I actually feel very much like a traitor--using this site after blogging for 4 years on another one...

Regardless. Here's my introduction:

I'm 30. I've been married for 9 years, and we've been trying for a baby for 6. After 13 rounds of clomid, one IUI cycle with injectables (which ended in the ER in hyper-stim and ruptured cysts), 2 laps (one in Feb of this year, the other in August--which claimed my left ovary), endometriosis, and years of heartache, we filed for adoption. We have adopted embryos (11! I'm thrilled!), and our first FET is November 17. I'm currently on lupron injections, awaiting my first suppression check on Thursday. Should our embabies not take, we are also on the waiting list for a normal domestic adoption (and have been since August of 2008).

Hoping for the best, clinging to hope, growing in faith. That's me.