Thursday, December 3, 2009

It's going to be really difficult for me to make friends here if I never post...

For starters, the transfer worked. I'm pregnant. Eek! Still doesn't seem real, and I'm still half-waiting for bad news. Praying for the best...

I went for my pregnancy test on Monday, and my beta hCG was 247. Wow! They were looking for a 50, so I feel like I got extra credit! My next test was on Wednesday, and I felt so much anxiety over it that it wasn't healthy. Seriously. I'm not quite sure what a panic attack feels like, but I might have been close.

Anyway, my report from the doctor was a good one. My number went from 247 on Monday to 651 yesterday. Praise the Lord! I was so relieved. I'm still anxious, but I have a better handle on it. For the time being, I'm pregnant. And that's all I've got. So I'm going to enjoy it to the best of my ability. I sure would love some more symptoms to hit soon. Being both sick and tired seem like great reassurances that things are happening--and I haven't really had either of those symptoms yet. I keep telling myself it's still SO early. I'm only 16 days past transfer, and in a regular person, pregnancy might not even be detected yet.

I did come up with a metaphor for myself. Did you ever see the movie "Cast Away?" There was a part in there after he came home where he was walking around his apartment looking at all of the comforts he didn't have on the island. At the end of that day, he crawls into bed, sits there for a second awkwardly, and then gets down on the floor to sleep. That's what I feel like. I've been sleeping on the floor for so long that I don't know how to sleep in a bed. I can't be comfortable in pregnancy. Only in infertility.

Last night, we had a support group meeting. One of my dearest friends in there is really having a hard time. I feel like I owe her an apology for being pregnant. Does that make sense? She and her husband just had their last FET cancelled because she wasn't suppressing on Lupron. She's struggling with that enough--then I had to go and get pregnant. It's devastating, I know. I've been on her side of the situation a hundred times. My heart breaks for her. And I feel guilty. But of course I wouldn't change our situation even if I could. I tried to explain those feelings to Josh last night, and he said "we have PAID our dues. Don't feel guilty. Be happy for us!" And I am. Truly.

It's just weird to be in my shoes. I have made it a point to surround myself with people who understand me. I have developed these close relationships with other Infertiles, and now I feel I've betrayed them. Or beyond that, I just feel like they're still the only people who understand me--but there's an instant chasm there. It's a different kind of isolation. Infertility can be so lonely. But I don't guess that pregnancy automatically changes that.

I still don't believe it's really going to happen. I'm not sure what it will take for it to sink in for me. More than just rising numbers, that's for sure! Maybe I'll feel a lot better after an ultrasound. But rising numbers is all I have for now, and I'll take every scrap of good news I can get. I think I'll cheer if I should happen to puke.

I must go. I do have a growling tummy. I'm trying to eat really well. I guess I should start reading up on the things baby/ies need. I haven't really done much research for this side of the fence.